[BigBrother_Survivor] 'The Bachelor' Recap: Krystal's Meltdown and Two Boring Dates

 

 My F4? any 4 but Krystal

 'The Bachelor' Recap: Krystal's Meltdown and Two Boring Dates
Monday, January 29, 2018

Bill King
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV

Arie Luyendyk Jr. is about halfway through his quest for televised love in season 22 of The Bachelor, having trimmed his racing field from 29 to 13. But in a season when the means to the end is more interesting than the end itself, the question is not what will happen but when.

The two women getting the lion's share of screen time -- Coach Krystal and deceptively sexy nanny Bekah -- are both destined for the scrapheap, though the outlook for the 22-year-old is rosier because her parts are newer and with far less mileage.

But the ticking clock is a cruel mistress for the fitness guru, who at 30 is the oldest remaining suitorette and the only one to have climbed that hill into Arie's decade. And after six other ladies on Father Time's bad side were sent packing, we know he likes 'em young. So ... is this the episode?

Old and Young Collide on Spring Break

Will Coach K. finally crash and burn, becoming Arie's first flaming wreck that didn't take place on a track? Even if she wasn't the sole source of drama, she deserves to go based on voice alone. Ohhhh, that voice. It's like stilettos on a chalkboard and prompts instant impressions. Oh my god, I'm, like, so happy? And I'm, like, totally here for Arie? And it's so hard not to intimidate the others because they, like, totes think I'm flawless? Byeeee. Ugh. Gag me with a spoon.

It's amazing that with all the steaming hot messes of garbage we've dealt with over 22 seasons, Krystal's Valspeak might be the most annoying thing that's ever happened. And I'm including subway riders who sneeze into their hands and then grab the pole in the middle of a potentially Last Man on Earth-style flu season. Grody to the max. 

The next stop on the Bachelor World Tour is sunny Fort Lauderdale, which has spent decades trying to shed its reputation as a destination for rowdy spring breakers in favor of a more wholesome image. Congrats, Fort Lauderdale, you landed The Bachelor. So mission accomplished, I guess. But, seriously, what better place to determine who is mature enough to be wife material than the land of beer bongs and "Female Body Inspector" T-shirts?

Check Out My Huge Boat

The first one-on-one goes to single mom realtor Chelsea, who has basically been invisible since getting the first impression rose (outside of glam-shaming Marikh), and they spend the day sipping champagne and hot tubbing on a not-at-all-phallically-symbolic 100-foot yacht. "I'm not only on a dream boat," Chelsea coos, channeling her best corny dad. "I'm with a dream boat." Yuck.

Arie asks about the baby daddy over dinner, and Chelsea opens up about coming home to find her belongings in trash bags when her son was just 6 months old. Pops is now married to the "other woman," and they recently welcomed their own son. It's somber yet endearing, and her strength and independence earns her a rose before a private performance by country artist (checks cue card) Tenille Arts.  

The lyrics are intense and in tune with Chelsea's vulnerability, and maybe next time they should restrict the conversation to her bizarre squiggle of a wrist tattoo and his monstrosity of an eagle wing under the armpit. 

Bowling for Soup

Back at the hotel, photog in a race car Maquel has returned from her grandfather's funeral! The women joyously welcome her back because she is 23 and way more ready for marriage than that pesky 22-year-old chick with the boy hair. 

The group date -- There's not a moment to spare -- goes to everyone but Tia the jubilant Weiner Queen of Arkansas, who will be getting her first solo date. But the other 11 are headed to the bowling alley because you're never too old to ask someone if they have nine-pound balls. It's also the most interesting thing to do in Fort Lauderdale that doesn't involve a white tank top and a garden hose.

After Arie capitalizes on fancy editing to bowl a strike, the ladies "split" up into "The Spare Roses" and "The Pinups" ("Pin Pals" was taken?) with a private after-party on the line. But despite the team atmosphere, Coach K. decides to play it aloof in the hopes that Arie will step up and focus on validating her.

Team Krystal, hooting and hollering all the while, proves more adept at knocking down pins and gets the win. It's cool, though, because Seinne is way too good for these woo girls anyway. But then Arie changes his mind and invites the losers as well.

The Great Unraveling

Krystal does not take the news of a joint gathering well, using the ride home to dub Arie a disrespectful liar she can no longer trust. So while 10 women get dressed to the nines, the 11th packs her bags and pouts in a bathrobe.

She trusts that Arie will spring to her rescue, and he makes a beeline for her after the others spill the beans about the character assassination. His response screams, "But have you seen my eyes? They're so blue and honest!" The jilted are peeved that Krystal is getting the first one-on-one time in a date she's not even on, but they're hopeful it will be her last. 

Arie addresses her tantrum, calling out her bullshit for creating a distraction while forcing him to pull back. He suggests that she stay home while he enjoys his date with the normies, and they'll reassess in a few days. Now go to bed without your cookies, bitch.

Arie proceeds to strengthen his bonds with stuffed-animals-don't-say-no Kendall and Bekah, again mentioning her 22-ishness as a possible red flag. Thank god Maquel is 23. He also brings fake proposal publicist and emerging favorite Becca into his room for a kissfest, stating that she deserves something "extra." 

Here She Comes...

Since there was no chance this wasn't happening, Krystal gussies herself up and heads to the after-party against Arie's wishes because him making decisions doesn't sit well with her. Her ill-advised appearance riles up the competition, and it's short-lived after Bekah unloads on her. 

Seinne, who again is simply too good for this nonsense, cannot comprehend what Krystal is trying to do, and only Lauren Lauren B. is fed-up and stalks off. It is unclear if Arie is aware that Coach K. came back or if he even knows who Lauren B. is. 

To fill this void, Lauren engages in a rousing game of 21 Questions, in which at least four of them involve how Arie likes various breakfast items. She throws him for a loop with the shocking revelation that she enjoys her coffee with coconut milk, and he exclaims, "Wow," before awarding the date rose for her wild sense of adventure.

You Can Take the Girl Out of Weiner But...

Arie and Tia hit the Everglades for an air-boat ride through Sawgrass Recreation Park, seeing gators and turtles on their way to a mansion built smack dab in the middle of the swamp. Gerald's his name and frogging's his game, and the proprietor serves gross fried delicacies as the couple cozies up on a porch swing. It's gotta be better than drinking your own pee, right?

The butterflies are fluttering as they discuss their passions and life in Arkansas, and the smooch-laden day gives way to the smitten-kitten night as Tia lays out the details of her personal life. Seven years of college that ended with "a doctor degree" wasn't enough to learn her good taste in men, and her "type" is a fixer-upper with a troubled past. 

They clash a bit over his lack of faith in a higher power shaping his destiny -- because she was raised in the church like a good southern girl -- but it's a not a deal-breaker as long as she understands his perspective. Then, as my wife cover her eyes, literally unable to watch, Tia professes that she's falling in love and gets the rose. And it's fine because he's only 10 years older than her.

For the third time, my wife shakes her head and mutters, "Why do we watch this?"

Cocktails and Catfights

The weight of Krystal's antics looms large at the cocktail party, and the friendless coach has been holed up in her room ever since. She claims she wasn't hiding, rather "investing in myself and growing from the struggle ... I was discovering." She confides this in the other women, who could not give fewer shits. 

Kendall wants to keep it light and be a breath of fresh air, so she inquires as to whether Arie would ever sample human flesh as a meal. Meanwhile, 11 ladies openly discuss their hatred of Krystal within earshot of Krystal. 

Coach K. offers to hash it out, one-on-one, with whoever wants to have a talk, delusionally assuming they will somehow be sympathetic to her hurt feelings. Tia and Kendall urge her to take ownership of her actions, while Bekah points out that she's blind to everyone else and flat-out asks why she's still here. 

The efforts grind to a halt when Krystal insists that Arie was grossly out of line by changing his mind and inviting everyone to the after-party, and here's how she sums up her efforts at being nice: "I just honestly feel like a lot of the girls here don't operate, like, at my level, and I'm tired of lowering myself to try to stoop to theirs. Like, I'm done. Done." Jazz hands. "That was glitter." Halfhearted jazz hands. "Glitter."

50 Shades of Crazy

Jacqueline, who I still know nothing about other than the fact that she wore an opening night dress that was both high-cut and low-cut, capitalizes on all the distractions for some snogging. But, of course, it all goes back to Krystal.

When Arie advises her to be more thoughtful with some of her reactions so they don't lose what they have, she makes a ridiculous pivot to her childhood and being raised in a bowling alley while her mom paraded around an endless loop of promise breakers who offered nothing but trust issues. 

She cutely calls it "our first fight," to which Arie awesomely replies, "It could be our last fight." Her takeaway is that she should be commended for showing so many varied emotions in such a short period of time, which most refer to as "unhinged" or "bipolar."  The decision to continue navigating this minefield has to be out of his hands at this point.

Arie the Dream Crusher

Tia the Weiner Queen of Arkansas, only Lauren Lauren B. and single mom realtor Chelsea are safe, and the remaining roses go to: 

Deceptively sexy nanny Bekah

Favorite elephant cuff links Seinne

Stuffed-animals-don't-say-no Kendall

Fake proposal publicist and emerging favorite Becca

Low-cut/high-cut Jacqueline with the hair

Dumb-or-drunk Jenna

Coach Krystal

Boom. And just like that, Arie drops the hammer on this season's Ashley, Indian restaurant co-owner Marikh and photog in a race car Maquel. We hardly knew ye. Seriously, it's amazing that from this group, we knew the most about Marikh. And at least half of that knowledge -- including her love of gym selfies -- I made up based purely on assumptions. 

And ladies and (both) gentlemen, Krystal is still here! "Good things are worth fighting for," she mutters, smirking and clutching her rose. "It took so much courage for me to come here tonight. ... If the girls thought that I was a threat before, then watch out, ladies."

It's astounding how quickly her insecurities can manifest into arrogance, truly the power of the flower. 

Au Revoir

Arie is about to whisk his top 10 to Paris for at least one more week of everyone hating Krystal, as producers drag out the only remaining source of tension as long as they can. How much time does she logically have? It has to be over soon, right?

I'm still buying into a final four of Seinne, Tia, Becca and Bekah. But from there, who knows?

Who are you favorites at this point and who do you predict Arie ends up with? Is it someone with whom we're familiar or will one of the unknowns emerge late, Catherine-style, during the second half of the season? Finally, who will provide the drama once Krystal returns to her dolls? (I'm making another assumption about her owning a doll collection. It's nutty, but it's gotten to a point where I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her. How can a real person lack any semblance of self-awareness? It's sad. To quote my wife, why do we watch this? Because everybody wants love -- and train wrecks.) Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Want more news? Like our Bachelor Facebook page.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Virus-free. www.avast.com

__._,_.___

---

Posted by: C G <ceegee2006@yahoo.com>

---

Reply via web post

•

Reply to sender

•

Reply to group

•

Start a New Topic

•

Messages in this topic (1)

---

Have you tried the highest rated email app?

With 4.5 stars in iTunes, the Yahoo Mail app is the highest rated email app on the market. What are you waiting for? Now you can access all your inboxes (Gmail, Outlook, AOL and more) in one place. Never delete an email again with 1000GB of free cloud storage.

---

Visit Your Group

• Privacy • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

.

__,_._,___