[BigBrother_Survivor] 'The Bachelor' Recap: Can a Relationship Survive a Fear of Dogs?

 

yes it was time for the one at the end to not get a rose. so todays recap I agree with those3 that left. I still donot like Krystal and I think she is going to last a long time as she reminds me of  last times Bachelor . And guess what folks./,. I cannot remember her name geesh . Don't get OLD!

cg

  'The Bachelor' Recap: Can a Relationship Survive a Fear of Dogs?
Monday, January 15, 2018

Bill King
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV

Arie Luyendyk is only three dates into his quest for televised love in season 22 of The Bachelor, and it's telling that one of them was a literal 15-car pile-up. Eighteen women remain in the hunt for his checkered flag, and astoundingly, nearly all of them are terrible.

We're still at the introduction stage of the journey, and though we don't know much about the ladies vying for Arie's heart, we have enough information to send the vast majority of potential wifemates straight to the scrap heap.

Jockeying for Pole Position

Regardless of how far they advance, there are nine women who will never become Arie's spouse. Coach Krystal and single mom realtor Chelsea are the villains, and hothead Spalexis Bibiana will end up getting herself eliminated to make sure Arie knows about it. 

Photog in a race car Maquel and deceptively sexy nanny Bekah (who my best friend likens to Pinocchio becoming a real boy) are too young, stuffed-animals-don't-say-no Kendall is too into taxidermy, and kissing bandit Annaliese has too many tears stemming from bumper car trauma.

Drunk-or-dumb Jenna gave his lead foot an early rub, which is creepier than it is a turn-on, and restaurant co-owner Marikh seems like her masala is lacking a bit of the tikka. She reminds me of Eddie Murphy's arranged marriage in Coming to America, and when this doesn't work out, I see her gunning to become the princess of Zamunda. 

Non-kidded booberrific real estate agent Caroline has big boobs and no kids, all three of which work in her favor, but she seems like an unlikely candidate after bragging about her real estate sales. And I reckon that the "most hardcore" certificate is as much love as poor Dutch linguist and Smasher of Cars Brittany is going to get from Arie.

I Could've Been a Contender

That leaves seven women with a legitimate shot, and elephant cuff link Seinne and Tia the Weiner Queen of Arkansas remain the early favorites (as I predicted). Fake proposal publicist Becca is in the running after nabbing the first one-on-one date and receiving a Cinderella makeover, though I'm not convinced she's got what it takes to make it in the long haul.

The remaining four, however, are presently too unknown to rule out or endorse. This season's Ashley checkered flag Ashley, low-cut/high-cut Jacqueline, older social media manager Lauren S. and tech salesperson Lauren B. haven't gone on any dates, and as such, they remain mysteries and could end up being fairly normal. 

Still, they'd better emerge soon -- at least in the TV sense -- if we're to take them seriously. Let's get to it.

Monday Night Raw

After Bibiana reiterates that she's "not one to be f***ed with," the dad bod formerly known as Chris Harrison arrives to announce two group dates and a solitary one-on-one. And "it's all about the ring" for Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana and Krystal. 

The eight women will be duking it out for supremacy in the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor (GLOB) tournament, and aiding them in Wrestling 101 are '80s GLOW legends Ursula "Babe the Farmer's Daughter" Hayden and Angelina "Little Egypt" Altishin. Little Egypt has had some work done, while it appears Babe has spent the past 30 years snuggling a bottle of Jack and carton of Reds. 

The on-screen personas are angry, though, prompting Bibiana and Tia to break down under the abrasive tutelage. Apparently, if you f*** with Bibiana, she cries and runs away. Take note, Coach K. Bekah, however, is totally on board with the theatrics.

WrestleMania XXII

Each woman is assigned a wrestling personality, and it's Royal Rumble time in front of a live audience. Arie kicks things off with a bout against special guest Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, who slams the crap out of the Kissing Bandit before Arie scores a sneak attack pin. 

Maquel the lunch lady disposes of Bekah the sex kitten, despite having her smoking hot buns battered by a leather whip, and Krystal the cougar destroys Jacqueline the beauty queen.

Markih the baller and Lauren B. the ice skater ditch fisticuffs for a bizarrely slow and sensual dance that turns the ring into a lesbian hot bed, and I assume everyone wins. Then Tia the Southern belle and Bibiana the bridezilla square off in the card's final fight, with Tia coming out on top.

Survivor Series

At the after-party, Krystal steals the first alone time and even offers a hearty "Kaayyyy. Byeeee, guys" to the other girls in her best Valley Girl voice. She lays it on thick, and Arie naively encourages her to stake her claim whenever she feels the need. 

Bibiana has had enough, and as expected, she vents her concerns to Arie. He hopes she can concentrate on him rather than the drama in the house, which of course she cannot. And it will lead to her downfall. 

Krystal further riles the group by asserting that she wants every woman to get her respective time, since she's not one for stirring the pot. Tia gets reassurances and the obligatory face-clutching make-out, and Bekah discusses the process of getting over a break-up before securing Tia's sloppy seconds and the date rose. 

Jilted, Coach K. vows to be more aggressive. 

Que Syrah, Syrah

Older social media manager Lauren S. (who is 31 compared to dumb-or-drunk social media manager Jenna's 28) is the lucky recipient of the solo date -- You had me at Merlot -- and it's off to Napa in a private jet for a whimsical vineyard experience. 

Lauren's mouth is Olivia-style agape from runway to winery, and their secluded picnic comes complete with old man jokes and third-person references. ("This is such a Lauren B. date.") The conversation is light but a bit too bubbly and superficial to indicate chemistry, even if they're on similar pages in life.  

She worries she's too out of practice at being romantic to get caught up in the moment, and her nerves manifest into a rambling diatribe over dinner that snuffs out any pre-existing sparks. Basically, she doesn't shut the hell up or let him get a word in edgewise, all without saying anything of any significance other than she loves her family.

She recognizes that the date is a mess, but self-awareness can't save her, and it's the end of the line for this Lauren. Three down, one to go.

The Bachelor Goes to the Dogs

The second group date -- Love is ruff -- goes to this season's Ashley, fake proposal publicist Becca, poor Dutch linguist and Smasher of Cars Brittany, drunk-or-dumb Jenna, non-kidded booberrific real estate agent Caroline, single mom realtor Chelsea and bumper car kissing bandit Annaliese, who freaks out once they realize the spelling of the word "ruff."

Naturally, she had a terrible experience with a dog when she was little, and she's shaken to the core at the mere thought of having to deal with one of those vicious beasts. Yeah, it's time for her to go. Hating man's best friend is a deal breaker.

"She has something mentally wrong with her," my wife seethes. "She'd better have gotten her face ripped off or something." Annaliese then explains that she nearly lost an eye to a surly and savage old pup, prompting my better half to demand visible scarring. This is why we are married. 

The women and "The Dynamo Dogs" team up on what my wife has dubbed the best dream date ever ("I wouldn't pay attention to Arie at all"), an on-stage routine with Best in Show's Fred Willard providing commentary. The pooches don't listen to anyone, nor do they perform any tricks -- and yet they're still better than humans.

"Arie's Amazing Acrodogs" is excruciatingly bad (wife: "Nothing about that was funny. Or fun. Or entertaining."), but at least Annaliese is relegated to pooper scooper duty.

Tripping Over Reality

Chelsea steals first at the after-party to not-so-subtly remind Arie that she's a mom, Caroline gets the customary pillow-lip treatment after asking about his post-Emily dating life, and dumb-or-drunk Jenna forces a smooch.

Childhood trauma Annaliese is feeling behind the pack and wants her own kiss, but Arie deflects and instead talks about the beauty ... of the venue. She's certain she's going home, and I dunno, maybe don't be terrified of everything your man holds near and dear. 

Becca bonds with Arie over their mutual dorkiness and is a bonafide contender, but it's the villian single mom who nabs the date rose.

A Crushing Black Hole

Tensions are running high at the cocktail party, and a desperate Bibiana puts together a telescope-and-bed star-gazing setup to enjoy with Arie. Instead, he and Lauren B. stumble upon the location and make out upon it, which kicks off a montage of astronomical desecration, much to Bibi's impatient chagrin.

Deceptively sexy nanny Bekah breaks him down mentally and is in complete control of their relationship, and it's amazing for someone so young to have that much confidence and dominance over a situation, especially considering his age and experience. But he is putty in her hands. 

Bibiana remains on the outs, as Arie puts together his own Southern set-up for Tia the Weiner Queen of Arkansas, complete with hay bales and moonshine. But it's Annaliese who takes her situation from bad to worse, after she determines that aggression is necessary to turn things around. 

She coyly requests a kiss and gets shot down, then watches him lock lips with the taxidermy chick and a creepily aggressive dumb-or-drunk Jenna. Annaliese wipes her tears, touches up her makeup and forces the issue, with Arie confirming that he sees no future. He sends her home, yet does not mention dogs or cars.

Another One Bites the Dust

Two pre-rose ceremony eliminations mean that only one lady is packing her bags, and Bibiana is certain it's her after he used her romantic gesture as a pathway to other tongues. 

Deceptively sexy nanny Bekah and single mom realtor Chelsea are safe, and favorite elephant cuff link Seinne and stuffed-animals-don't-say-no Kendall would seemingly be safe too after going dateless this time.

The remaining posies go to:

Non-kidded booberrific real estate agent Caroline

Stuffed-animals-don't-say-no Kendall 

This season's Ashley

Tech salesperson and only Lauren Lauren B.

Poor Dutch linguist and Smasher of Cars Brittany 

Fake proposal publicist and emerging favorite Becca

Favorite elephant cuff link Seinne

Coach Krystal

Tia the favorite Weiner Queen of Arkansas (she's basically Raven 2.0)

Photog in a race car Maquel

Drunk-or-dumb Jenna

Low-cut/high-cut Jacqueline

Indian restaurant co-owner Marikh

Despite her best efforts, it's the end of the road for Spalexis Bibiana, who will surely be sharkphin Alexis' best friend or worst enemy in the next season of Bachelor in Paradise.

She gave it her all even with the distractions, but sadly, Arie knows nothing of her efforts. She leaves a broken woman. 

Narrowing the Field

Eighteen entered, and 15 remain after some not-so-shocking eliminations. I will miss Bibiana's fireball potential, but the others, not so much. We hardly knew ye, third Lauren, but good riddance to Annaliese and her petty phobias. 

You simply must love dogs, or find a dating website that caters to your kind. It's like how my astrology book says Virgos are only sexually compatible with other Virgos. 

Becca has officially joined Seinne and Tia as the frontrunners, with the top four rounded out by Bekah, even if she'll eventually be undone by her age. Additionally, the "unknown" category has shrunk by one.

For Arie and his 15 remaining beauties, it's off to Lake Tahoe, where relationships will freeze and hearts will melt. Stay tuned.

Who are your favorites and who do you think has the staying power to make it to the end? Which lady do you think is best suited for Arie and is there a chance for a life-long match made in heaven? The connection with Bekah is red-hot, but can this race car driver handle a brand-new hot rod or does he need an older model to keep it in low gear? And how long will it take for him to pick up on Krystal and Chelsea's underhanded natures? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Want more news? Like our Bachelor Facebook page.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Who deserved more time?

Arie got it right

47%

Spalexis Bibiana

26%

Social media manager Lauren S.

20%

Childhood trauma Annaliese

7%

 

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