Re: [BigBrother_Survivor] The Bachelorette 2019 Premiere Recap and Live Blog

 

I'm watching again this season, going to try and watch without reading the spoilers! LOL
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On Tue, 5/14/19, SHARON ceegee2006@yahoo.com [BigBrother_Survivor] <BigBrother_Survivor@yahoogroups.com> wrote:

Subject: [BigBrother_Survivor] The Bachelorette 2019 Premiere Recap and Live Blog
To:
Date: Tuesday, May 14, 2019, 9:48 AM























First night was so boring. I have 2 tvs so I
watched the Voice and the Bachelorette . Hardly watched the
bachelorette it was so boring . I like this guy he sure has his opinions
on these recaps. LOL
The
Bachelorette 2019 Premiere Recap and Live Blog










The
Bachelorette 2019 Premiere Recap and Live Blog
The
Bachelorette 2019 Season Premiere Recap: Hannah Brown begins
her search for a husband as she meets her 30
su...


The
Bachelorette 2019 Premiere Recap and Live
Blog 05/13/2019 by E.M. Rosenberg

It's Spring 2019, a period that will be marked
in history for the emergence of Pete Buttigieg, a plummeting
Dow, and the premiere of possibly the most inane
Bachelorette yet.Hannah  Brown, whose very name is as boring
as the music on Optimum's channel guide, is the former
Miss Alabama cast aside by Colton Underwood and, as ABC
rhapsodizes, "a fun country girl who is unapologetically
herself." I'm only unapologetically my second-cousin
once removed.Hannah is also an interior decorator who
probably hangs signs in handwriting fonts that say LOVE •
LAUGHTER • LIFE in people's dining rooms. She is also a
fan of  dancing, country music, and Martin Buber's
philosophy
of dialogue. Points for her two golden retrievers,
unless either is named Buddy or Bella.Aside from representing hours better spent
monitoring the news for photos of Archie Harrison
Mountbatten-Windsor, the "highly anticipated" Season 15
features 30 bachelors vying for Hannah's heart. They are
Brian, Cam (The
Notebook is his "all-time favorite" movie), Chasen,
Connor J., Connor S. (a Justin Bieber fan), Daron, Devon,
Dustin (can beat anyone in a game of Jenga), Dylan, Garrett,
Grant (unemployed), Hunter, Jed, Joe (once played a patient
with an axe wound on Unstold
Stories of the ER), Joey, John Paul Jones (what?),
Jonathan, Kevin (wants to travel more, but won't go
anywhere that doesn't have a gym), Luke P., Luke S., Matt
Donald (what what?), Matteo, Matthew, Mike (wants to learn
Mandarin and Parkour), Peter, Ryan, Scott (an admirer of
Kris Jenner), Thomas, Tyler C., and Tyler G. (adheres to a
strict Keto diet). I only made up one of those biographical
items, by the way.Every character name in Beverly
Hills, 90210 is represented this season. But what if
the two Connors, Lukes, or Tylers had the same last initial?
What if someone's favorite book were the German
translation of Tess
of the d'Urbervilles? What if one guy were bisexual
or a Bernie Bro? The producers work hard to achieve this
delicate balance of acceptable vacuity.And so we begin with the dramatic premiere. I
miss Chris Harrison when his voice isn't droning in my ear
like a carbon monoxide detector. We must first relive the
footage of Hannah learning by phone that she is this
season's animatronic sex doll, I mean, star. She still
finds this status surreal, as would anyone who's never
read Haruki Murakami.We then visit Hannah's hometown near
Tuscaloosa, where the hardware store is the most exciting
local destination. Yet her life hasn't been all fishing
holes and root beer floats. There's some serious Bell
Jar undertones, as Hannah struggled with anxiety and
depression over the perfection demanded in the pageant girl
world. Uneasy lies the head that wears the Miss Alabama
tiara.Before the man cavalcade begins, Hannah visits
with two gals whose names I forget from her Bachelor season.
One is that bitchy little chick with mad vocal fry. We also
get glimpses of the various Ken Dolls as they head to
California, during which the word "awesome" makes more
guest appearances than Alec Baldwin on SNL.
By way of introducing themselves, the guys show off their
dancing skills, bid goodbye to their grandmas, and display
their cardboard box inventory. Either all their homes are
sets, or every bachelor's family had a kitchen make-over
in 2007.We have one guy who had a sign from God that he
should try out for The
Bachelorette, which is how Joseph met Mary. Another
comes from a diverse family that consists of a blond Iowan
man married to a woman from Hong King; they invented General
Tso's corn on the cob. Yet another's parents and sibling
are deaf, although he is not. But most of the guys are your
garden-variety mindless dweebs who whoop in lieu of uttering
English..Hannah is ready to meet the one guy who will
love her unconditionally, including not minding when her
Spanx is peeking out of her dress. She promises Chris that
she will be "real," which is why no Wonderbra.First out of the limo is Garrett, who is also
from The Bama. Throw in a pig wearing sunglasses, and it's
like a scene from Green
Acres. Mike gives her an alliterative list of traits he
purports to live by, probably cribbed from some Facebook
meme. Jed is from Nashville; his family recommends shining
from the inside to the outside. That's from one of
Hannah's dining room signs.Tyler #1 came all the way from Florida to meet
her, apparently by horse and buggy since he seems so
impressed by the achievement. Dylan thinks Hannah is
authentic. Wordsworth
has nothing to worry about.Next is Connor S., who jumps over a fence to
greet Hannah. Serenading her under her window would be a
more effective schtick. Devon babbles something inane,
followed by John Paul Jones, who has not yet begun to fight!
Hannah keeps missing their names and having to ask again.
That's certainly authentic. Brian comes up next, clearly a
nervous wreck, as is Scott. Matteo is speechless with
wonder, too, possibly because he saw the ad revenue figures.
Hannah is humbled by their dearth of eloquence or
charm.Tyler G. has been dreaming about Hannah. He must
have found those naked pictures online. Next a mysterious
cardboard box rolls forward on a dolly. Amazon Prime now
delivers single guys in one day? We will learn more after
the ads for Cologuard, psoriasis meds, and laundry
detergent. Also, Fiji Water now has a sports cap.
#MAGAOut of the box appears Joe, the manufacturer of
cartons who's probably fabulously wealthy, based solely on
the number of packages delivered weekly to my building. He
tells Hannah that she checks all his boxes. I'm sure he
has other thoughts about boxes that he can't say during
the family hour.Another guy speaks French to her, completely
flummoxing a girl who thinks coq au vin is a brand of suntan
lotion. Luke P. talks about being the king of the jungle. He
envisions Hannah as his queen. In other words, she'll do
all the work while he lies around sunning himself. Cam
arrives performing a rap number, the most humiliating moment
captured on tape since Ben Shapiro stalked out of that BBC
interview. Unfortunately, she gave this bozo a rose at the
end of
After the Final Rose, so we're stuck with him for
now.Matt Donald sings the Old MacDonald song for no
other reason than his name is similar. E-I-E-I-no. Chasen is
cute, but I missed what he had to say because the dog was
barking at an evening delivery of one of Joe's
boxes.The commercial airline pilot, Peter, is adorable
in his snazzy uniform, and also very charming in a reserved
way. He is now first on my list to resent Hannah for
ignoring in favor of some muscle-bound Neanderthal who
thinks Archie comics are the novelization of Riverdale.
You can't beat the combination of free miles, a Neil Lane
ring, and a husband who's rarely home.As Hannah prepares to enter the mansion, she
prays aloud for the words she needs to not present as a
bumpkin who thinks curly fries are ethnic food. "I don't
want perfect, I want real," she lectures the leering array
of teeth and beard stubble. A person can be both, though.
Believe me, I saw Harrison Ford walking down East 62nd
Street in the 90's.The mundane conversations ensue. Hannah explains
that she can only fall in love if she is whole as a person,
which seems reasonable. But has any bunch of young men ever
talked dreamily about the joy of waking up next to a woman,
like these guys do? They'd actually discuss whether
she's really just a B cup, but appears larger in a low-cut
dress.There's some enthusiastic kissing amid talk of
how wonderful it is that Hannah is quirky and flawed and
just a regular person, much like the IT consultant, car
salesman or jobless bachelors among them. Hannah assures
them she's as flawed and quirky as they come, perhaps even
as much as Season 21's Corinne.Chris brings in the First Impression Rose in its
twee little platter. All the men fall silent, 
trembling before its singular power. It's like when Carl
Bernstein appears on Don Lemon's show with reporters for
The Hill. Close encounters of the weird kind continue as
Hannah enjoys Jed singing to her with his guitar.Meanwhile, the two friends from earlier in the
show are seen monitoring the events from a surveillance van
in the driveway, possibly under direction of Obama's DOJ.
They report a rumor on social media that one of the guys has
a girlfriend. Will he reveal a possibly innocent situation
to Hannah, or will they drag out the manufactured hysterics
for several episodes, with lots of repetitive foreshadowing
in the previews and scenes of shadowy figures approaching
hotel doorways in the dead of night?As the gals watch, Scott shares with Hannah his
love of luxury items, and invites her to visit his apartment
in Chicago. Cagney and Lacey think he's the phony. They
hurry to spill the beans to Hannah, destroying her dreams of
hanging IKEA drapes on a window with a lake view.Scott will likely call this a witch hunt,
repeatedly @ing Bachelor Nation with tweets of "NO
GIRLFRIEND, NO COLLUSION." Hannah confronts him, but he
denies, denies, denies, insisting he's here for the right
reasons. He does admit that a nameless woman messaged him as
recently as Monday, and probably not just to ask about sales
on TurboTax.Hannah suspects Scott's got a Plan B if this
gig doesn't pan out. She is acrimonious. He resents her
characterization, and even accuses her of double-timing with
Colton when  everyone knows he was a virgin. They
discuss the nature of relationships. If a girlfriend falls
in the forest, do her texts make a sound? Hannah decides
Scott's a jerk who's already cheating on her. Beam
Scotty up.With that task attended to, Hannah explains to
the others why she kicked Scott's ass to the curb. She
demands that anyone else with outside interests, including a
porn collection or lingering crush on an eighth-grade
algebra teacher, leave now. Major drama in the first hour
and a half! The producers must have figured viewers would be
coming off the high of all those CNN Town Halls..Next Hannah walks pensively beside the pool,
spent by this emotional moment that forced her to
re-evaluate all 29 other men she met two hours ago. The guys
resent the precious time devoted to ejecting Scott, which
apparently took an entire hour. Maybe they were
Instagramming the conversation. Some of the men try to
reassure Hannah, promising to only have meaningless sex with
strangers while they date her. Connor S. is pleased with the
results of his talk with the distressed damsel. He feels
their relationship has progressed because he does not have a
secret girlfriend.Time to present the First Impression Rose. The
room is gripped by tension as Hannah grabs the bloom and
asks one of the Lukes to meet with her alone. His purple tie
printed with semi-colons must have been the deciding factor.
He expresses appreciation for the affirmation, then rams his
tongue against her tonsils like it's Popeye Doyle's
Pontiac in The
French Connection. With the rose affixed to his lapel,
Luke declares himself ready to spend the rest of his life,
or least the 2010's, with Hannah.The other guys are anxious going into the first
Rose Ceremony. Scott's prolonged ouster lost them precious
moments to gawk at Hannah's exposed thigh while discussing
being vulnerable and honest. "It's like a bullet to the
foot," one says to describe the situation. That's worse
than a punch in the stomach or a left hook to the
jaw.The Rose Ceremony begins. Aside from the
ugliness of Scottgate, Hannah is pleased with the
evening's progress. She's almost memorized everyone's
first name. Mike gets the first rose, followed by Connor S.
and Matthew. Then come Connor J., Jed, and Dustin. Joey
comes forward next, then Devon, Peter the Pilot, and Dylan.
If she'd jettisoned Major Tony Nelson, she'd be a bigger
fool than I thought. Matteo is next, then Jonathan and Tyler
C. Tyler G. follows in his wake, then Daron, Luke S., and
Garrett.The remaining men are nervous and resentful.
They did not all get a chance to fondle Hannah's bare
flesh tonight. As they furrow their brows, Grant gets a
rose, then Kevin, and, finally, John Paul Jones. Get out of
here with that ridiculous moniker. His last name better be
short, or it won't fit on the wedding invitation with
hers.Hannah has foolishly rejected Chasen, who
resembles Danno from the original Hawaii
5-0. Maybe she can only manage one 60's TV show hero
at a time.The previews feature bungee jumping,
kilts, and smooching in Amsterdam, with Hannah ascending the
various guys' torsos like Sir Edmund Hillary reaching the
summit of Everest. Also, there's crying, fighting,
accusations, and yet another ambulance ride for someone. But
Hannah fiercely declaring "I have had sex, and Jesus still
loves me" is sure to be the fence-jumping moment of the
season.

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Posted by: "Donna M." <crow_donna2002@yahoo.com>

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